Relief...

Oh god. Today has been a bit horrible and it's only 11am.  We exchanged an email relating to expenses for the business last night which resulted in him responding at midnight saying he was sorry, he would do what he could to make it easier for me.  He signed it off ‘I love you’ and then put the pet name my children used to call him.  I felt sick.  I can only presume he was drunk as to be fair, he has had some element of control more recently and held back on the emotional manipulation.  Suffice to say, I didn’t get the most amount of sleep last night.

Then to add insult to injury, I stayed out of the office this morning as I knew he had an internal meeting with someone on my team.  I went to see my lovely therapy lady instead!  And thank goodness I did.  As I arrived at work, I saw him.  I walked right past him sat outside a coffee shop we used to go to a lot.  It was awful.  We very briefly made eye contact and I kept walking.  It took all the strength I had not to look again.  I had no inclination to stop but part of me wanted to look him in the eye and see what I might see.  I want to know if he is laughing, hurting, smug, calm, angry and and and…. Who knows?

Fortunately I had seen my lovely lady this morning and we did lots of work on what it is about me that wants to try and help people, keep the peace and never feel like I am stupid or wrong.  The part of me that is a pacifier is ultimately causing me to be walked over time and time again.  We worked on me feeling whole and complete.  As I walked away from him I felt strength and belief in me.  Real belief.  I am creating my world for me and as much as he may tell me I should be ‘nice’ I know, I am. 

On the way back from my meeting I saw him again from afar.  Sat in the same place, smoking a cigarette.  I detest his smoking.  It is awful.  He promised in his mission to get me back he would stop.  Just another example of a bullshit promise.  More words of something he would do and never managed it.  In that moment, I felt relief.  It was confirmation once again that his promises are always empty and I am grateful I have nothing to do with it anymore. 

Today I am smiling more than I was yesterday :)

Count Down To Freedom

It’s a funny week this week.  I received an email saying the contract had been signed for some work he had been working on for a long time.  It needed by signature to make it happen as the company is still, for the moment, in my name.  He said ‘I couldn’t have done this without you’.

The irony is enormous.  I am not sure he could do anything without his feed regardless of where it comes from.  The need to be looked after, appreciated and reminded of his brilliance is the feed to his ego that drives his fulfilment in the feeling of ‘self’.  I did indeed keep feeding it and I hope on some very small level that truly he feels grateful.  I have sacrificed an enormous amount of me to help him get where he is.  

And today I have woken up feeling melancholy.  5 emails of documents I need for the business.  Nothing else, just his name 5 times in a row in my inbox.  I am stronger each day and know that when I finally sign over the business I can be completely free.  I am counting the days but don't even know how many to count.  I wish I knew when it would be out of my hands so I could mentally down to freedom.

What a Joke

It has been a while since I wrote.  Last Thursday on my way home from work I had an awesome appointment with a lady I see sometimes when I feel emotionally stuck.  She is alternate, which suits me down to the ground.  Energy work, hypnosis, EFT and emotional reframing work a treat for me and I knew, that the old ‘stuff’ I was hanging on to from him needed to be released. 

I was feeling so proud that I had made the decision to be tough and cut him off and yet there was still this part of me that carried fury and anger towards the situation and his ex-wife.  I knew the only person suffering from the pain was me.  She isn’t is she?  She is probably rubbing her hands at the carnage she has created and laughing with pride at the mess she made.  I knew it was important for me to let that go.  I’m almost there.  I am seeing my lady again on Thursday as there is still a bit of work to do on my side although I feel a million times better. 

He was in touch over the weekend.  I had to sign a contract to move to the next step the closing the business.  Once the contract has been signed, the money will come into the business which he has said he will pay back to me.  He was at home with his family at the weekend and said he was talking to his Dad about getting the business signed over to him.  I hope they did talk about it and I hope it will happen soon.  I want to be able to wash my hands of every single part of this mess.  Then I have completely walked away.

I had another email at the weekend asking me if I was ok.  I did not reply.  At the end of the odd email about the business he asks if I am ok.  I never respond to any of the personal comments, just questions about the business.  He responded by saying ‘what do I have to do for you to be nice?’.  Surely this is taking the piss.  I am helping him, I am handing the business over to his father, I am signing bits of paper to assist him in moving forward financially (which in turn helps him and his ex-wife) and he asks if I can be NICE?  

What a joke. 

Cufflinks Schmufflinks

To be able to sign over the business I need to sign off a contract first to enable him to invoice for the first amount.  He owes me a lot of money, so after lengthy chats with my amazingly helpful step father I have decided to get the contract signed, get the money in and then I can sign over the business

I received an email yesterday chasing me to sign the contract and asking me if I had found his passport.  It seems I still have it somewhere in my home and he wants it back.  The idea that he wants it to go away with his cow of an ex-wife literally makes me want to burn his passport and forget it ever existed.  This irrational hysteria I have over that woman needs to be reined in as it is destructive and horrific.  Both of them, when I think of them, creates a feeling inside of pure pain and torture. 

I emailed back this morning saying I would sign the contract and would drop it through his (ridiculously close) front door.  I wish more than anything he could live far far away.  The idea of running into the woman who hates me most in the world, is awful.  In my email I said, please check in the box of paperwork I handed him when I gave him back his stuff. 

His response said ‘he would like his cufflink box which clearly isn’t in the paperwork’. 

Possibly the most sarcastic line ever.  Closely followed by ‘How are you?’

I will not be responding.  He can sing for his cufflinks.  They will only be delivered when he has given back everything owed to me.  The money, the business signed over and ANY financial liability removed from my life.  I am moving on and want all this negative energy out of my way.

Stronger Better Me

Last night I went out for supper with a friend who I haven’t seen in weeks.  We had a good chat about the ex.  She asked how I was getting on.  I explained what I had done in making the decision to cut off contact and we then got into the conversation about his ex wife.  It was a girl to girl chat about how women behave.  I came away from the chat even more frustrated than ever about how his ex-wife has behaved. 

To me, she is one of those women who give women a bad name.  The high maintenance control and mental attitude is at the very least disappointing and at the most off the chart.  I know based on this blog so far, there is so much to be said for being in a relationship with a narc and we could argue that this is what has ‘made her’ behave in this way.  But I disagree.

I knew my ex over 10 years ago and he was a much calmer version of himself.  I know from a tip off, that his ex-wife was always a controlling nutcase, even in her days at Uni.  So whether she, or he was predisposed to being a narc years and years ago, they have clearly revved each other up to such a degree, that now, they are both, truly messed up. 

I wonder who had the personality disorder first?  Him or her? And I wonder how a relationship with two people who are as controlling as each other can function in a healthy way.  I wonder too how a child can come through this unscathed.  Imagine having two narc parents.  Good god!  The idea of it is terrifying.  I can only hope for him that one cancels out the other and he escapes scott free noticing that the behaviour both his parents displays is completely and utterly mental.

Either way, I will never get my answers.  All I know is I loved him, not her.  He, in my eyes, tried to escape.  He attempted to extract himself from her mad clutches and become a better person.  Could this be the daily journey of a narc, to try and be an even better false self?  I suppose it is.  Yet by never letting her go, and through her manipulation on a daily basis of his world, there was no hope.  Our relationship was doomed from day one.  I wish I had seen it.  I wish I had escaped earlier before I sold my soul to the devil. 

Regrets are pointless and actually the best thing I can think now, is how much I learned.  What I got out of it and how much I have developed as a person.  I have gained a massive amount of knowledge through the experience and it is opened my eyes to this terrible curse women endure on a daily basis.  The curse of falling in love with a narc.  I want to help, I want others to find the strength to get out and rebuild their lives.  I hope this blog helps at least one other woman as for me, every word I write will be worth it.

I have had a lucky escape and I am in a place where I am finding a stronger better me.  

Additional Resource

I came across this blog today.  Really helpful in understanding more on what you will have been dealing with in a relationship with a narcissist.  


http://www.lisaescott.com/

Another Bloody Email

Today has been a curious day.  I was tired.  I didn't sleep well last night and dragged myself into work feeling to be honest, utterly exhausted.  I awoke with a spasm in my neck which meant I could hardly turn my head.... A good start to the week.  I began the day on the phone to a chiropractor who saw me at 10.15am and as I write this, at 10pm I am in a much better place and able to move again.  He clearly worked miracles.  


Today saw me working like a demon.  I have done a ton of work and been in a happy place.  I finished work and decided to meet up with some old girlfriends.  Ones who my ex would be utterly appalled about.  I was actually nervous to go.  One of them I know he hates with a passion and he has his reasons but either way, I was genuinely nervous about it.  But I went, I met the girls and I had fun.  His name was not even mentioned and for that I am grateful.  He is no longer a subject of conversation.  No air has been wasted on saying his name and it gave me an evening of freedom from it all.


Sadly, as I drove home, he spotted me in the car with a couple of my mates in the car.  I have now checked my email and have come home to an accusational email about what I have or have not been doing this evening.  Ultimately, it is none of his business and still he feels the need to dig at me, hurt me and accuse me of living my life in a way which he deems to be appropriate.  I chose my evening carefully.  I treaded carefully and I took the parts of my evening the way I wanted.  And still, I was unlucky enough to be watched, seen, stalked, I don't care which word you want to use, either way, he is too close to my life. 


I don't think I have said so far, he has moved 1 mile from my home.  He has a company set up (in my name for the moment) named after the name of my street.  I have a poetry blog which he decided was a good idea and he set up one which looks virtually identical.  He has copy-catted my life.  There are parts about how I run my life that he does in exactly the same way.  It is spooky, overwhelming and to be honest, rude.  I hate it.  He has never lived in this part of London before and I think he just does it to be near me.  I want him living far far away from here and I want his bitch of an ex wife as far away as possible.  


The pair of them are literally the nastiest pieces of work ever.  To think they are anywhere near my life, a life that took years of hard graft to build, makes me feel sick.  I am looking forward to the day when I wake up and don't care any more.  


I know time is a healer and I will get there. 

No Contact - Day 7

I have had a great weekend with some awesome friends.  I have booked a weekend away in a couple of weeks and spent the weekend with wonderful, real, true people who know me.  Well.  


I talked about how I have been feeling and I shared my fears.  I smiled, I laughed and I felt a bit of me coming back today.  I am almost at 4 months since we split and it is amazing that in just one week of no contact I have shifted myself forward far further than I had imagined I might.  On reflection, having any contact, however small, really was still killing me inside.  


Today I had 2 hours in the car with plenty of time to think, and think I did.  I wonder if he is sad, I wonder if he has gone crawling back to his cow of an ex-wife.  I wonder if she is there laughing at me and rubbing her hands with glee that she got her dream.  To fuck up my life and get him back.  I then go on to wonder whether the man I met over 10 years ago was the good real person and whether being with her for 10 years is what really screwed him.  I am not sure I have ever come across a more manipulative woman in all my life.  She is probably more for a narc than he is, but we will never know who came first.  And either way, they have behaved in such an extreme controlling manner to one another for so many years I don't suppose either of them have an idea what normal is any more.  It is the most bizarre weird set up of anger, shouting, threats and nastiness that I have ever come across.  I feel desperately sad for their poor son who will grow up in the shadow of two parents who behave in that way.  

I never want them to ever be back together.  It is a personal feeling that means I feel like a total idiot and a nobody if that happens.  Was I just the filler when his marriage got boring?  Then I think, they are better off together.  They both have serious personality disorders.  Then I think of their son and I will them both to be healed and whole, for his sake.  


Then I remember, I am dealing with a narcissist here.  So regardless of what I feel, want to feel, wish he felt, hoped he feels now, it is all a waste of my time.  My ability, as a normal functioning person to put onto him a belief of what I want him to feel, is never going to happen.  He is different and I have to keep reminding myself.  He is unwell.  


So a two hour car journey or thoughts, and wants, wasted.  This journey I suppose will have ups and downs.  Today is just a bit of a down day.  Off to bed to pray that day 8 of no contact brings peace to my heart. 

Sociopath. Another Label?

   I mentioned in an earlier post that the word narcissist was just a label.  Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is another.  Sociopath is a big word and one at times we associate with someone committing a crazy crime.  But no, this too may be the label you identify with when you think of your partner.  When I read these 10 indicators, I can identify with almost all of them when I think of my ex.  

1. Listen to the way your partner speaks. Most sociopaths put themselves on pedestals. Their grandiose sense of self makes them feel entitled to certain things. They see these things as "their right."
2. Pay attention to the way the person treats you. A sociopath is manipulative, domineering, controlling, and takes pleasure in humiliating his victim(s). Sociopaths have self-serving behaviours.
3. Count the lies. Sociopaths are notorious liars. It's almost impossible for a sociopath to tell the truth.
4. Observe the way the person expresses his or her emotions. A sociopath has an incapacity for love. Promiscuity, addictions, verbal outbursts and physical punishments are the types of ways a sociopath stimulates himself.
5. Wait until he or she says or does something wrong. The sociopath shows no remorse, shame or guilt. Although a sociopath may be outraged by insignifican matters, he or she will remain unmoved by serious matters.
6. Count his or her friends. A sociopath has trouble making and keeping friends. He will make up an excuse for this, too.
7. Listen to other people. Sociopaths do not become sociopaths overnight. They have a history. Sometimes these histories include aberrant behaviors, including: stealing, lying, promiscuity, and cruelty to people.
8. Observe the way he blames others. The sociopath does not take responsibility for his actions. Instead, he blames others, even for acts he obviously committed.
9. Listen to his plans for the future. The sociopath makes unrealistic plans for the future. He does not fulfill his promises and exploits those that try to help him achieve his goals.
10. Take a step back. It may be hard to recognise a sociopath, especially when you're in a relationship with this person. A sociopath can become very abusive. Unfortunately, the abuse will not stop. The sociopath "gets by" by promising, lying, and manipulating. This will create a sense of hoplessness in the victim, thus producing an addictive cycle for abuser and abused.

Response to the Email

Today I responded to the email.  I was calm and fair.  I have agreed I am not going to screw him over on the business.  The plan is to transfer it to someone else.  Probably his Dad.  As long as I protect myself along the way, I am ok with this plan.  I want to make sure I protect myself from the company liabilities and from him being angry with me if I do it wrong.  


He accused me of bring aggressive in his email which I denied in my email back.  I put a couple of sentences in to say that we had agreed not to speak, I had no intention of being aggressive and we both knew each others pain, and now, it is time to move on. 


He responded almost immediately stating he felt that my stepfather suggesting I call the police was being aggressive.  I think perhaps the calls that made me want to call the police in the first place were in fact the aggressive part of this whole mess.  


So this evening, Mitch the policeman came to the flat.  Apparently the police are not allowed to take a call reporting a potential criminal activity and not follow it up.  Which I suppose is a good thing.  So Mitch the policeman arrived and sat at my kitchen table to take a statement.  Summarising what had happened wasn't easy but I felt like I was wasting police time.  I apologised, a lot.  Mitch was very calm and said I had not wasted police time and asked if I could play him the two threatening voicemails.  I played them to him and he was surprised I had decided not to press charges.  Based on what he had heard the threats were a criminal offence and he could go and arrest him.  I said no.  


There has been no contact for 2 days now that is in any way offensive and I feel safer.  I am in my own home this evening with my children and I think he has realised threatening me is not acceptable.  Thank you to my stepfather for the pep-chat.  


The police have the incident on record now so if anything else happens I can call them and it will be logged.  If he is arrested, based on what he has done already, the policeman tells me he will automatically receive an injunction/non-molestation order.  So I feel confident that if he turns up or threatens me again, the police will support me.  The police have come a long way over the last few years relating to this kind of incident. I am impressed!  Thank you to Mitch the policeman. I will keep the texts/voicemails on my phone, just in case....

The Email

No email last night which is probably a good thing.  I did not stay at home.  I was too afraid to be there in case he turned up.  The call from my step father has had an effect though.  There has not been one phone call or text since they spoke.  Staying away last night was a good idea.  I felt much safer away from my own flat. 

Today at work I received the email.  The first past was about the business and was formal, as I would have expected.  The email went on and was full of sadness and still anger at me.  

'Our dream has ended with such a level of aggression on your part that you have destroyed the memory of a life we once discussed.'

The idea that it is ME who is aggressive is unreal.  I have been going through the toughest time making this break from him and cutting contact which is what we agreed on Monday and it is ME who is aggressive?  This sentence literally left me in shock.  I suppose though that my lack of contact is in his eyes aggression as I am depriving him of the attention he wants from me.

He went on to say how sorry he was it had ended like this.  I too, am incredibly sorry and wish it did not have to be this way.  I want to say to him - I asked for space and you never gave it.  I want to say - this is necessary as you left me with no alternative.  Yet I cannot say any of it.  I will remain silent and rebuild my world.

No Contact - Day 2 (part 2)

It is just after 6pm, I am still at work and I have just received another voicemail which is almost 4 minutes long.  The voicemail is full of blame.

'You don't even have the courage or the balls to pick up the phone or send me a text.'

'If you carry on like this I will promise this will end in tears as you are not allowed to do this to another human being.  You have no right to treat another human being like this.'

'If you don't listen to me, if you fuck me over I promise you that my ex-wife will be the last worry you have in the world.'

'The utter rejection of me is an absolute disgrace and you are a disgrace.'

'You are destroying everything.'

'Another human is living in absolute agony.  If you think I am going to sit on the sideline and let you do that to me, you have got another thing coming.'

'I am proud of who I am.'

'Be a grown up and pick up the phone.  I am begging you.' 

I fell apart.  Again.  The whole message had me in bits.  I phoned my step-father.  He is the calmest man on the planet.  Incredibly kind and full of some seriously good advice.  He told me to phone the police.  I said I had.  After quite a lot of emotion from me, he decided that perhaps the best thing would be for him to phone him up.  So he did. 

My stepfather called me back to tell me how the call went.  He said he spent 20 minutes on the phone to my ex during which he went from angry, to calm and to sad.  In summary he asked him to email me regarding the business as this is still the one thing we need to resolve.  Did I mention in my earlier blogs I was mad enough in the throws of love to set up a business in my name that he conducts his work through?  I want it gone and my stepfather got the point across.  Now I just wait. 

I am off for a drink with a friend.  I need some girl support and a reminder that I am a good person.  Right now I feel like the most terrible woman in the world.

No Contact - Day 2

This is truly painful.  It feels like a drug addict trying to give up a fix.  Last night I hardly slept a wink.  I wanted to drive to his flat, knock on the door and check he was ok.  The idea that he had done something stupid tortured me all night.  I was in bits.  It took every ounce of my strength to refrain from phoning him.  The idea that he might not answer stopped me doing it.  If he had not have answered, then what?  Would I have driven to his flat?  And if he did not answer the door?  Then what?  The sense of panic was too much.  Would I call the police? His mother? His brother?  I ended up putting my phone in another room to stop myself checking it, yet leapt in and out of bed like a yoyo running to check it.  There really was no way I was going to sleep.  I felt sick and ended up wretching over the loo in despair.  

I knew though that if he was crying wolf, and I could get through the night, I would be sending him a message that said you cannot continue like this.  By increasing the level of drama, I always caved.  I always put my arms around him and the fix was only ever short term.  


At 9.38am I got a text.  'Ok.  I am not going away'.  The relief was overwhelming.  He is ok!  I counted so many blessings in that moment.  He then went on to say 'why did you call me on my landline and not leave a message yesterday?'.  Now this is very confusing as I have not called him.  Not once.  He ended the text by saying 'I want to see you this morning, I don't care how busy you are, I am worth more than this'.  I ignored the message.  I had to.  The relief he was alive had given me strength to get through my day. Or so I thought.


At 9.45am I got a voicemail.  It was so aggressive and frightening.  Quotes from the message:
'I have had enough of this, you have broken my soul and you think you can ignore me?'


'You think you can pretend I don't exist?  If that's the way you want to play this then you are going to need some fucking protection.'


'You have destroyed everything.  Your actions have destroyed everything.'

I heard the message and literally felt like I couldn't breathe.  I was at my desk and felt total fear.  I was so incredibly afraid.  What if he did come after me?  What did he mean by need protection?  


I called my sister in a complete state.  It was awful.  We decided the best plan was to call the police.  I decided to phone them for advice.  They were amazing on the phone.  Amazing.  I felt like I was being a bit silly but they said they took all calls like this seriously and it is better to 'nip it in the bud'.  They want to arrange to come and talk to me.  I know it is up to me if I want to take it further with the police and I know I don't.  I would hate to do that to him as I know that this is driven by his own out of control need for a 'fix' from me but either way.  I'm scared.

No Contact – Day 1

So as predicted, he hasn’t taken the news very well.  Yesterday was possibly one of the worst days ever.  There was the day when he was so hysterical in a hotel in London, about 2 weeks after we broke up.  He phoned drunk and demented telling me that was it, he was ending his life.  I had no idea which hotel he was in, knew he was in a bad place and I had no idea what to do.  I was in such a state as he had put down the phone telling me he was going, forever.  I phoned his mother and his brother.  His brother phoned back, and nonchalantly told me, he was fine.  I felt like a total idiot.

So on Monday night, when I gave him back his things, I asked him, specifically to keep calm.  I said ‘please don’t threaten to do anything stupid, and promise me you won’t actually do anything stupid’.  He promised.  He said he understood why I was doing this and said he didn’t blame me.  We agreed it had come to the point where we could not go on having communication. 

So the first day of no communication didn’t go very well.  I awoke to a whats app message which I deleted and then promptly blocked him on whats app.  This was followed by a text, saying he had noted I had blocked him on whats app.  I ignored it and went to work.

At my desk at 9.15am I had a call from a number I did not recognise (his skype numner) that I, foolishly picked up.  It was him.  He begged me to talk to him, begged me to reconsider, told me how wrong I was, said he loved me, told me it would be different.  I got incredibly upset and stood my ground.  I managed to get him off the phone and was distraught that in under 9 hours he had failed to stick to what we agreed.  NO MORE CONTACT. 

I found a way to block his mobile and skype number to my work desk phone so it goes straight to voicemail.  Over the course of the day I had 5 more calls to my mobile and then the last text where he said ‘This is the final goodbye’.  It was sent at 11pm tonight and I was distraught.  Thank goodness for my sisters who calmed me down on the phone.  I had no idea what to do.  The previous text to that had said ‘you can’t do this, I am begging you.  Begging.  Please.  Call my mum and ask her, you can’t do this’.  So I knew he was in a place of despair.  He has rung his parents before when he is like that.  I know he will have been telling his mother how awful I am and I am sure she agreed, that I can’t do this.  But the thing is, however awful it may seem to him, I can do it.  As I can’t cope anymore with any of this.

The a text that made me crumble.  More than anything I wanted to call, wanted to make it better for him and wanted to be the hero.  I knew if I called, I could make it better.  I know that when I give him a hug all his pain goes away but I know too, that it is short lived and the gratification/fix he gets never lasts.   The last text said ‘I am about to break my promise’ and I knew then that he was threatening to kill himself.  He asked me to build a relationship with his parents again and love his son in his absence.  It was heart-breaking.  It's taking every bit of strength not to contact him.  If he does anything I will never forgive myself.  I would have to live with it for the rest of my life. 

The Final Goodbye

So today is the start.  Last night was awful.  Incredibly tricky. 

On my way home from work I remembered I still have half his stuff in my flat.  So in my mission to do this once and for all, I went home and packed all his stuff into bags.  5 bags worth, a computer, a few coats and lots of shoes.  It was amazing to see that so much of his world was still in my space. 

I loaded it all into the car and drove to meet him for dinner.   I took the letter and took a deep breath.  This was it.  The final end to our contact.  Driving to the restaurant was so nerve wracking.  I felt sick despite knowing I was doing exactly the right thing.  He has not got the message, and he will not leave me alone unless I am brutally direct.

So we sat and we talked.  We cried and we hugged and he was well… normal.  Of course.  He managed to pull out of the bag the false self.  The one I fell in love with.  He was kind, calm, loving, attentive, sorry, full of promise.  Said he understood, said it wasn’t my fault, appreciated the reasons I was doing it.  I kept reminding myself that this was the false self, the one, that when he put his mind to it, he could execute brilliantly. 

We left the restaurant.  He paid, which was I suppose the ultimate ‘I can do this’ statement from him.  I drove him to his flat and helped him unload all his stuff.  I was terrified to go into his flat, literally shaking but I did it. 

After unloading all his things we sat and talked.  Why didn’t I leave?  It was like a drug, a fix and for a moment I got a taste of what it must be like to really was the ‘fix’ and gratification that he craves.  In that moment I didn’t want to go.  I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to be loved and held and close to him.  And I let it happen.  I couldn’t stop myself.  He was so wonderful and I sobbed and sobbed.  This was the person I fell in love with and if only he was the real thing, if only he was like that all the time and if only the ideal love he talked about existed.

At 1am, I left.  I handed him the letter, we cried with no inhibition, and I walked out of the door.  The final goodbye.  

Being Really Brave and The Ex-Wife

Tonight is the night I am going to even more brave than I have been in a long time.  I am going to see him, face to face and tell him we will not speak again and I will be cutting off contact.  He owes me a lot of money and I had planned to try and get that back first but it would mean me being calculating and manipulative to do it, and I can’t.  I don’t have it in me to play him at his own game. 

Playing a narcissist at his own game is a fruitless ambition anyway.  There are no winners and the only person who will get truly hurt in this is me.  So I decline.  To walk away and lose the money is surely worth more to me in the long time.  I need sleep, I need calm and I want to recreate the positive energy I had in my home.  At the moment I am carrying a massive suitcase of ‘baggage’ and the unpacking and discarding of all the horrid stuff in it will commence.  The biggest thing in the suitcase is the £5,000. 

I am nervous when I shut the company there will be more costs, and a teeny teeny part of me hopes upon hopes that in some way he will find a weeny bit of grace and pay me back what he owes.  I really hope he can find it in himself.  More than ever. 

I have written to his mother too.  He said I should have done it a long time ago when I spoke to his ex-wife, to apologise.  That is another story and will I am sure have its place in a future blog post.  She is a fundamental reason why I am choosing to have no contact.  She too is a true narcissist and perhaps even more deranged than my ex.  Someone said to me recently ‘they deserve each other’ but I have to say, the idea of them ever being back together is probably one of the biggest fears in my life. 

That thought has me feeling like I really wasn’t worth it.  I was just the ‘filler’ the ultimate source of love to help boost him when things fell apart with her.  All though our relationship she has come at him daily to get her ‘fix’ from him.  It has been the most painful torrid journey and one I became completely and utterly caught up it. 

So tonight, I am seeing him.  I have posted the letter to his mother today, apologising and saying how sorry I am.  I have accepted I made mistakes, took wrong turns and ultimately I have apologised that I was unable to make her son happy.  It is true and I hope helps him and her in some way be able to comfort each other in a way that only a mother would. 

She only sees a teeny part of his behaviour.  It is like the iceberg theory.  She can see some of his erratic behaviour and the huge part of the iceberg under the surface was only seen by me.  There would be no point in me talking about all the pain he has caused.  It is his ‘illness’ and the word narcissist would of course make me look like a total lunatic.  I would never want to apportion blame, and to be honest, how and why he is the way he is isn’t important to me.  It is what it is, he is who he is and searching for answers will not bring me comfort.

I strongly believe he may have had a predisposition for having marginal narcissistic tendencies but if I was married/with his ex-wife for 10 years, I too would turn into a nutcase.  I believe they have probably made each other worse as they push and pull one another in a controlling fashion that is so out of control, even as a spectator I feel damaged.  The narcissistic fix they claim though each other’s actions is terrifying.  It is like watching a drug addict claw for her next fix and he is the dealer. 

She really is an embarrassment to women.  Bizarrely a narcissistic man is almost easier to accept but as a woman, to think a woman can be so manipulative she will ruin other people’s lives, it is unfathomable.  I stood in the way of her fix so I was regularly threatened.  She genuinely frightens me.  

The Airport

I landed at the airport and every flight I have taken since we split up, he has been there, waiting for me.  I have always asked him not to come but have inadvertently given away too much information for him to work out my flight times.    

I walked out through the airport genuinely nervous.  I have to make an admission.  I almost wanted him to be there.  If this blog is to help anyone going thorugh the same thing, I have to be honest and completely open.  I wanted him to be there so the pattern wasn’t broken.  He has been there, surprising me when I didn’t want him to and now, today, he wasn't.  To be honest, I feel strange. 

My nerves disappeared immediately and I was then filled with sadness.  No one knew I was home safely at midnight on a flight.  So I responded to a message he had sent earlier in the day thanking him for not being at the airport.

What possessed me to send that message?  I have no idea what the hell I think I am doing?  I am opening a dialougue I don’t want to have.  And why?  Because I feel lonely, because I am worried he will be cross, I am nervous if I don’t communicate at all I will be vilified and if I do, I will probably get that wrong too.  I feel all of those things.  All of them.

I am writing this on the train, as I head back to London, alone at 00.45am.  It’s a lonely place as I know I will go home to an empty bed. 

For the record, because you might just be wondering, he did not reply.  Not yet anyway and it has been half an hour.  This means a night of me worrying if I did the wrong thing, worrying if he is with someone else and worrying what the response will say.  The one I will get in the night or early tomorrow morning. 

I shouldn’t have messaged.  Damn damn damn.

Note to self, read this blog post in future before any ridiculous communication. 

My only excuse is that in the next few days I will be cutting off all contact.  Completely.  It will be like cold turkey.  He really is like a drug.  Even the smallest message. 

I know the first week will be hard but I think and hope I will get relief from he fear disappearing from my life.

The other final point is that I know, I have no chance of love with anyone, every again until I completely cut him off.  We broke up over 3 months ago and the fact I still feel guilt and fear when he pops into my mind is wrong.  I have to get this out of my life. 

Songs to Survive

I keep hearing songs that stand out to me.  Ones I can relate to and ones that identify in some way with the break of of a relationship, particularly one where the other person controls.  So if you feel the need….

- I Don’t Wanna Know – Sheryl Crow

- I’ll Be Waiting – Adele

- Torn – Natalie Imbruglia (This had me in tears….  I have not heard this song for a long time and it makes sense to me)

- Addicted – Kelly Clarkson

- Worried About – Lissie

- Walking Wounded – Everything But The Girl

- Read All About it Pt III – Emelie Sande (The last one is a cover but the words are really clear on this version and Emilie has a beautiful voice.  It is worth a listen)

Any other songs you hear, let me know!  We could build up a good resource library here of songs and books.  Either way, we can help one another which I think is exactly what we need to do.  


Any kind of support to get me through this break up is essential.  I have typically been bad at asking for help in the past but this time I have lined up a small group of people I trust completely to help me though this.  I have a couple of people who will kick my arse, a couple who I can sob on, a couple who will give me ‘therapy’ when I need it and a friend who lives in Australia which is perfect.  As often those moments when I am in a terrible place are at 2am.  The time difference is an enormous help when I want to make a tearful phone call.

Understanding Him (just a bit...)

I am nervous and afraid as I am about to write to my ex and cut off all contact.  This is about to be the end.  I can’t take it any more.  The anger, the hurt and the pain.  Still his messages have me feeling confused inside and I weaken when I see him name appear on the screen of my phone. 

He owes me a lot of money.  £5,000 to be precise and I was foolish enough in the throws of love to set up a business for him in my name.  I want to shut the business and get my money back.  Part of me wants to run away and just shut the business, ignore his calls and write off the money.  But I know he’ll keep coming for me.  And then what do I do?

So I have written him a letter.  One that says all the things that need to be said.  I am waiting for an invoice to come into the account and when it arrives, I will keep the money in the account, close the business and give him the letter.  I literally feel sick at the thought of it and what he will do to me.  I know he is going to go mental. 

He will threaten suicide, he may come to my office or my house, he will email, and phone and send messages and all of it will require the most phenomenal amount of strength.  We have been apart for over 3 months and I have not been strong enough to do this yet though I knew this moment would come.

I have read three books which have been a massive help:

-          Meaning from Madness, Richard Skeritt

-          Narcissitic Lovers, Cynthia Zyan & Kevin Dibble

-          Power and Control, Sandra Horley

Those three books have helped me get to the point where I understand on some level what it must be like to live in his head.  It’s a desperately sad place although even he doesn’t realise it.  Every time it gets too much he is creating a new reality which protects him from facing the real truth.  The real truth is not even a concept in his own mind and that thought pattern would never function.  By reinventing himself, shifting blame and projecting his sadness onto me, he can maintain control and keep himself out of the dark zone.  The expression ‘dark zone’ is not one used in any book, but by reading them I can only imagine that in his unconscious mind there is exactly that, a dark zone and as long as his conscious mind keeps working to move him through each experience he never has to go there. 

On the odd occasion, his conscious mind fails him and then he’s in it.  Deep in the dark zone, hard and fast and out of control.  Those times are terrifying for him and he has to work super hard to get out.  The return to the safe zone requires a lot of reinventing and a whole new reality to create.  It must be exhausting. 

Ideal Love

So this concept and idealisation of ideal love is a curious one.  I am genuinely bemused.  I believed in it.  All of it.  I thought I had found it.  Like a fairy tale story.  The prince who finds the girl and she gets to be a princess.  Like a child I daydreamed that I was that girl.  Yet ideal love, the kind I believed he gave me is just the fairy tale start.  Not the fairy tale ending like the books might suggest but the entire reverse. 

Childlike stories tell of princes who climb mountains, slay dragons and travel for days and nights to find their princess.  It all ends in a fairy tale wedding and the story ends.  We never actually learn about them and their life.  The story has ended by then.  Yet when dating a narcissist it is all mixed up. 

We don’t really know who he is when he arrives, and then all of a sudden we are living a fairy tale life.  The thing it, he hasn’t had to work very hard to get his princess.  He has used words, yes and he may have bought gifts and made gestures that ensure we feel special but that’s his rush to the fairy tale part.  He is in such a hurry to have it, the really hard work got missed out.

Here is the irony of the upside down ideal love story.  When the fairy tale has been secured, he then wants us, the princess, to do all the hard work.  There are no dragons to slay but there is peace to keep and the mountains certainly need climbing. 

As the woman in a relationship with this supposed prince we will work harder and harder to get the fairy tale back, the one we had a teeny taste of. 

The sad thing is fairy tales don’t exist.  It's so far from the real world that ultimately reality bites and what we are left with is how people actually live their lives and have relationships. Normal relationships are completely different. 

I have been thinking about this a lot today.  

I Thought I Was Special

It is one of those moments where I find my strength wavering.  I love him.  I have an overwhelming feeling of love and hope.  Surely we can make this work.  Surely.  Surely there is a way I can heal him.  Surely we can do this. 

I have to tell myself in my head I fell in love with the created self.  Not the real one.  And actually there isn’t a real one that actually exists.  To admit that to myself literally fills me with an overwhelming urge to sob and sob.  I believed it.  All of it.  Every word that left his mouth.

I though I was special.  I thought I was his girl.  I thought I was the only one.  I felt it in every part of me.  Though he still wants me, I fail to make him happy.  He is mad at me, in love with me, wanting me and all I want it to fall into his arms and for all this to be wrong. 

It has been over three months since we officially split and even now, these moments come and grab me when I least expecting them.  Sometimes it’s a song, sometimes the words someone says, sometimes a place, a smell or an experience.  Sometimes it just happens and I am not sure where it comes from. 

I feel tested.  These are the moments when I have to remind myself that I was in love with and want the dream.  It isn’t him.  It is the hope of what I thought I might have.

I can have it again.  I have to believe it.  I will keep remembering, keep writing and keep up the strength.  I have to, to recover. 

I just wish he could. 

D Day

This blog has been created as I want to share my story.  I am extracting myself from a relationship with someone who is the most controlling man I know.  You may use the word narcissist (I frequently have), and I have even used my unprofessional diagnosis by describing him and someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), either way, he's 'not well'.  


I fell in love, hard.  I thought I had found my person.  And if you read any web page about the world of a relationship with a narcissist, I can tick almost every box when I think of my relationship.  I have reached my end point.  I am done.  I am unable to cope any more with his behaviour and I know, I have to be strong.  I know, I have to make the decision to be strong and brave, every day and get myself through this and out of the other side.  If writing a blog, helps one other woman, it is worth every word I write on this page. 


Today it a significant day for me.  It is one year since I told him I loved him.  I am ashamed to admit, I wanted to be with him tonight.  I saw him this morning, when he handed me a gift to note the date, and he was in tears.  Again.  I spent the day thinking maybe I ought to see him later.  I don't know why the pull of the drug was stronger today, perhaps the poignant date, but I phoned him.  I said I would meet him after a party I had to drive back from.  I asked him not to drink and he promised.  


'If there is a 1% chance of us ever being back together, I promise I wont drink tonight'.


I agreed to meet him and went to my party.  I left the party and I sent him a message as I drove away from the party.  I actually genuinely thought he would keep his promise, but no, he admitted to 'having a few drinks'.  The disappointment was enormous.  His relationship with alcohol is both terrifying and nerve wracking for me.  I said I would not meet him and on reflection, dodged a bullet, and he went mad.


'You are so f**king selfish, you are a c**t'


Closely followed by

'I love you baby, please don't do this to me, you are my world, please meet me.  Please. Please. Please. Please.  I have only had three drinks'


And in that moment, my decision was made.  This, is D Day.  This is the end.

Being a Fixer

Did you know lots of women who fall in love with a man who is inflicted with some kind of narcissistic personality disorder are often described as fixers. We are the women who want to help, who want to make it all better and who want heal someone else. 

It's actually a dangerous trait despite the fact it comes from a good place.  It is driven by love, real love and true commitment to working thorugh things.  That is the irony of it all.  I was told repeatedly, over and over that I failed to work hard enough to make a success of our relationship.  The ultimate projection as I was doing exactly that.  I was working incredibly hard to ‘fix’ it and make it all ok.  The thing is, fixing a man with a personality disorder is impossible. 

To accept I was fighting a losing battle is a hard pill to swallow.  The admission is painful and I fight to pull myself away from the word failure.  It is a big word and I ask myself, did I really fail?  The right question is probably, could I have succeeded?  My mind gives me a resounding ‘no’ when I ask the question.

Whatever I did, however much I gave and with all the commitment in the world.  I would never have succeeded in having a rewarding relationship. 

I must keep reminding myself….

Today I am unwell

Today I have had apologies as is always the way.  Last night he went out and got completely smashed.  Today he has told me by message:


'If I can't have you I don't want to live, you are my life'.


I got out of bed at 1pm feeling physically sick. I genuinely hurt to my core.  The pain in my stomach is overwhelming and I know it is just stress and anxiety.  I messaged back and said I wanted to drop his stuff to his flat.  After living in various rented rooms and hotels for 3 months he finally has a flat, and I want his stuff out of mine.  Energetically having it here is a negative force in my world.  


All day I have avoided his calls and messages.  I have to break contact, I have to do it.  I feel so desperately unwell today and I know it is the stress of finding the strength to get me through this.  The next few weeks will be tough.  


Today I thought about phoning his mother, asking to meet her or sending her a letter.  I want to tell her her son is unwell.  He's in trouble and I want her to know he is a mess.  But her love, is of course, unconditional and knowing the narcissistic mind, once she talks to him, it will be me who is 'mental'.  I will be described as mad, a lunatic, emotionally unbalanced and a psycho.  So I suppose there is no point. 


I know too, that unless he can find it in himself to admit he has a problem, this sadly will be his life.  That crushes me.  It crushes me because I never want another woman to go through this and it crushes me because I loved him and I still do.  But I know, I loved the person he started of as, the person in my dreams, the fantasy person.  The real one is someone entirely different and I have to keep reminding myself to separate the two.  

So who am I, and why am I writing this blog?

I am a woman who I would, in the past, have described as intelligent, bright, successful and driven.  On paper, you might think I would be the perfect person to spot a narcissist a mile off. 

Narcissists do not discriminate.  Regardless of race, social background, experience of relationships, intelligence or career, narcissists are everywhere.  I think it is important to note here that when I use the term narcissist, it is in a very general sense.  This covers; what I have now learned from the books I have read, a range of personality disorders that can be loosely described a Borderline Personality Disorder. 

If you are inclined to want to understand this better, as I was, you will find varying descriptions and symptoms to help you identify the disorder.  To be honest, it is very easy when we are deeply in love (with his ideal self, more about that later) to want to say ‘oh no, that’s not him, all the patterns of behaviour don’t apply’.  We do not want to believe it’s true. 

You will know deep down in your heart if you think that generically, under any umbrella term you choose, your partner suffers from some kind of disorder.  The accurate label isn’t going to make this easier so for the purpose of the blog, I will use the term narcissist. 

I had an all-encompassing relationship with my narcissistic partner that ended at the end of March 2012.  We are now in June and I and finding moving on a tricky process.  Having done my own research I find that this is the case for lots of women leaving a narcissistic man. 

Here is my motivation to write the blog.  Feeling alone is a tough part.  If this can help someone else, and in turn help me through the process.  It seems today, as I start this, like a really good idea.