No Contact – Day 1

So as predicted, he hasn’t taken the news very well.  Yesterday was possibly one of the worst days ever.  There was the day when he was so hysterical in a hotel in London, about 2 weeks after we broke up.  He phoned drunk and demented telling me that was it, he was ending his life.  I had no idea which hotel he was in, knew he was in a bad place and I had no idea what to do.  I was in such a state as he had put down the phone telling me he was going, forever.  I phoned his mother and his brother.  His brother phoned back, and nonchalantly told me, he was fine.  I felt like a total idiot.

So on Monday night, when I gave him back his things, I asked him, specifically to keep calm.  I said ‘please don’t threaten to do anything stupid, and promise me you won’t actually do anything stupid’.  He promised.  He said he understood why I was doing this and said he didn’t blame me.  We agreed it had come to the point where we could not go on having communication. 

So the first day of no communication didn’t go very well.  I awoke to a whats app message which I deleted and then promptly blocked him on whats app.  This was followed by a text, saying he had noted I had blocked him on whats app.  I ignored it and went to work.

At my desk at 9.15am I had a call from a number I did not recognise (his skype numner) that I, foolishly picked up.  It was him.  He begged me to talk to him, begged me to reconsider, told me how wrong I was, said he loved me, told me it would be different.  I got incredibly upset and stood my ground.  I managed to get him off the phone and was distraught that in under 9 hours he had failed to stick to what we agreed.  NO MORE CONTACT. 

I found a way to block his mobile and skype number to my work desk phone so it goes straight to voicemail.  Over the course of the day I had 5 more calls to my mobile and then the last text where he said ‘This is the final goodbye’.  It was sent at 11pm tonight and I was distraught.  Thank goodness for my sisters who calmed me down on the phone.  I had no idea what to do.  The previous text to that had said ‘you can’t do this, I am begging you.  Begging.  Please.  Call my mum and ask her, you can’t do this’.  So I knew he was in a place of despair.  He has rung his parents before when he is like that.  I know he will have been telling his mother how awful I am and I am sure she agreed, that I can’t do this.  But the thing is, however awful it may seem to him, I can do it.  As I can’t cope anymore with any of this.

The a text that made me crumble.  More than anything I wanted to call, wanted to make it better for him and wanted to be the hero.  I knew if I called, I could make it better.  I know that when I give him a hug all his pain goes away but I know too, that it is short lived and the gratification/fix he gets never lasts.   The last text said ‘I am about to break my promise’ and I knew then that he was threatening to kill himself.  He asked me to build a relationship with his parents again and love his son in his absence.  It was heart-breaking.  It's taking every bit of strength not to contact him.  If he does anything I will never forgive myself.  I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.