Today I have had apologies as is always the way. Last night he went out and got completely smashed. Today he has told me by message:
'If I can't have you I don't want to live, you are my life'.
I got out of bed at 1pm feeling physically sick. I genuinely hurt to my core. The pain in my stomach is overwhelming and I know it is just stress and anxiety. I messaged back and said I wanted to drop his stuff to his flat. After living in various rented rooms and hotels for 3 months he finally has a flat, and I want his stuff out of mine. Energetically having it here is a negative force in my world.
All day I have avoided his calls and messages. I have to break contact, I have to do it. I feel so desperately unwell today and I know it is the stress of finding the strength to get me through this. The next few weeks will be tough.
Today I thought about phoning his mother, asking to meet her or sending her a letter. I want to tell her her son is unwell. He's in trouble and I want her to know he is a mess. But her love, is of course, unconditional and knowing the narcissistic mind, once she talks to him, it will be me who is 'mental'. I will be described as mad, a lunatic, emotionally unbalanced and a psycho. So I suppose there is no point.
I know too, that unless he can find it in himself to admit he has a problem, this sadly will be his life. That crushes me. It crushes me because I never want another woman to go through this and it crushes me because I loved him and I still do. But I know, I loved the person he started of as, the person in my dreams, the fantasy person. The real one is someone entirely different and I have to keep reminding myself to separate the two.
'If I can't have you I don't want to live, you are my life'.
I got out of bed at 1pm feeling physically sick. I genuinely hurt to my core. The pain in my stomach is overwhelming and I know it is just stress and anxiety. I messaged back and said I wanted to drop his stuff to his flat. After living in various rented rooms and hotels for 3 months he finally has a flat, and I want his stuff out of mine. Energetically having it here is a negative force in my world.
All day I have avoided his calls and messages. I have to break contact, I have to do it. I feel so desperately unwell today and I know it is the stress of finding the strength to get me through this. The next few weeks will be tough.
Today I thought about phoning his mother, asking to meet her or sending her a letter. I want to tell her her son is unwell. He's in trouble and I want her to know he is a mess. But her love, is of course, unconditional and knowing the narcissistic mind, once she talks to him, it will be me who is 'mental'. I will be described as mad, a lunatic, emotionally unbalanced and a psycho. So I suppose there is no point.
I know too, that unless he can find it in himself to admit he has a problem, this sadly will be his life. That crushes me. It crushes me because I never want another woman to go through this and it crushes me because I loved him and I still do. But I know, I loved the person he started of as, the person in my dreams, the fantasy person. The real one is someone entirely different and I have to keep reminding myself to separate the two.
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