No Contact - Day 2

This is truly painful.  It feels like a drug addict trying to give up a fix.  Last night I hardly slept a wink.  I wanted to drive to his flat, knock on the door and check he was ok.  The idea that he had done something stupid tortured me all night.  I was in bits.  It took every ounce of my strength to refrain from phoning him.  The idea that he might not answer stopped me doing it.  If he had not have answered, then what?  Would I have driven to his flat?  And if he did not answer the door?  Then what?  The sense of panic was too much.  Would I call the police? His mother? His brother?  I ended up putting my phone in another room to stop myself checking it, yet leapt in and out of bed like a yoyo running to check it.  There really was no way I was going to sleep.  I felt sick and ended up wretching over the loo in despair.  

I knew though that if he was crying wolf, and I could get through the night, I would be sending him a message that said you cannot continue like this.  By increasing the level of drama, I always caved.  I always put my arms around him and the fix was only ever short term.  


At 9.38am I got a text.  'Ok.  I am not going away'.  The relief was overwhelming.  He is ok!  I counted so many blessings in that moment.  He then went on to say 'why did you call me on my landline and not leave a message yesterday?'.  Now this is very confusing as I have not called him.  Not once.  He ended the text by saying 'I want to see you this morning, I don't care how busy you are, I am worth more than this'.  I ignored the message.  I had to.  The relief he was alive had given me strength to get through my day. Or so I thought.


At 9.45am I got a voicemail.  It was so aggressive and frightening.  Quotes from the message:
'I have had enough of this, you have broken my soul and you think you can ignore me?'


'You think you can pretend I don't exist?  If that's the way you want to play this then you are going to need some fucking protection.'


'You have destroyed everything.  Your actions have destroyed everything.'

I heard the message and literally felt like I couldn't breathe.  I was at my desk and felt total fear.  I was so incredibly afraid.  What if he did come after me?  What did he mean by need protection?  


I called my sister in a complete state.  It was awful.  We decided the best plan was to call the police.  I decided to phone them for advice.  They were amazing on the phone.  Amazing.  I felt like I was being a bit silly but they said they took all calls like this seriously and it is better to 'nip it in the bud'.  They want to arrange to come and talk to me.  I know it is up to me if I want to take it further with the police and I know I don't.  I would hate to do that to him as I know that this is driven by his own out of control need for a 'fix' from me but either way.  I'm scared.