Tonight is the night I am going to even more brave than I
have been in a long time. I am going to
see him, face to face and tell him we will not speak again and I will be
cutting off contact. He owes me a lot of
money and I had planned to try and get that back first but it would mean me
being calculating and manipulative to do it, and I can’t. I don’t have it in me to play him at his own
game.
Playing a narcissist at his own game is a fruitless ambition
anyway. There are no winners and the
only person who will get truly hurt in this is me. So I decline.
To walk away and lose the money is surely worth more to me in the long
time. I need sleep, I need calm and I
want to recreate the positive energy I had in my home. At the moment I am carrying a massive
suitcase of ‘baggage’ and the unpacking and discarding of all the horrid stuff
in it will commence. The biggest thing
in the suitcase is the £5,000.
I am nervous when I shut the company there will be more
costs, and a teeny teeny part of me hopes upon hopes that in some way he will
find a weeny bit of grace and pay me back what he owes. I really hope he can find it in himself. More than ever.
I have written to his mother too. He said I should have done it a long time ago
when I spoke to his ex-wife, to apologise.
That is another story and will I am sure have its place in a future blog
post. She is a fundamental reason why I
am choosing to have no contact. She too
is a true narcissist and perhaps even more deranged than my ex. Someone said to me recently ‘they deserve
each other’ but I have to say, the idea of them ever being back together is
probably one of the biggest fears in my life.
That thought has me feeling like I really wasn’t worth
it. I was just the ‘filler’ the ultimate
source of love to help boost him when things fell apart with her. All though our relationship she has come at
him daily to get her ‘fix’ from him. It
has been the most painful torrid journey and one I became completely and
utterly caught up it.
So tonight, I am seeing him.
I have posted the letter to his mother today, apologising and saying how
sorry I am. I have accepted I made
mistakes, took wrong turns and ultimately I have apologised that I was unable
to make her son happy. It is true and I
hope helps him and her in some way be able to comfort each other in a way that
only a mother would.
She only sees a teeny part of his behaviour. It is like the iceberg theory. She can see some of his erratic behaviour and
the huge part of the iceberg under the surface was only seen by me. There would be no point in me talking about
all the pain he has caused. It is his ‘illness’
and the word narcissist would of course make me look like a total lunatic. I would never want to apportion blame, and to
be honest, how and why he is the way he is isn’t important to me. It is what it is, he is who he is and
searching for answers will not bring me comfort.
I strongly believe he may have had a predisposition for
having marginal narcissistic tendencies but if I was married/with his ex-wife
for 10 years, I too would turn into a nutcase.
I believe they have probably made each other worse as they push and pull
one another in a controlling fashion that is so out of control, even as a
spectator I feel damaged. The
narcissistic fix they claim though each other’s actions is terrifying. It is like watching a drug addict claw for
her next fix and he is the dealer.
She really is an embarrassment to women. Bizarrely a narcissistic man is almost easier
to accept but as a woman, to think a woman can be so manipulative she will ruin
other people’s lives, it is unfathomable.
I stood in the way of her fix so I was regularly threatened. She genuinely frightens me.
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