The Final Goodbye

So today is the start.  Last night was awful.  Incredibly tricky. 

On my way home from work I remembered I still have half his stuff in my flat.  So in my mission to do this once and for all, I went home and packed all his stuff into bags.  5 bags worth, a computer, a few coats and lots of shoes.  It was amazing to see that so much of his world was still in my space. 

I loaded it all into the car and drove to meet him for dinner.   I took the letter and took a deep breath.  This was it.  The final end to our contact.  Driving to the restaurant was so nerve wracking.  I felt sick despite knowing I was doing exactly the right thing.  He has not got the message, and he will not leave me alone unless I am brutally direct.

So we sat and we talked.  We cried and we hugged and he was well… normal.  Of course.  He managed to pull out of the bag the false self.  The one I fell in love with.  He was kind, calm, loving, attentive, sorry, full of promise.  Said he understood, said it wasn’t my fault, appreciated the reasons I was doing it.  I kept reminding myself that this was the false self, the one, that when he put his mind to it, he could execute brilliantly. 

We left the restaurant.  He paid, which was I suppose the ultimate ‘I can do this’ statement from him.  I drove him to his flat and helped him unload all his stuff.  I was terrified to go into his flat, literally shaking but I did it. 

After unloading all his things we sat and talked.  Why didn’t I leave?  It was like a drug, a fix and for a moment I got a taste of what it must be like to really was the ‘fix’ and gratification that he craves.  In that moment I didn’t want to go.  I didn’t want to leave, I wanted to be loved and held and close to him.  And I let it happen.  I couldn’t stop myself.  He was so wonderful and I sobbed and sobbed.  This was the person I fell in love with and if only he was the real thing, if only he was like that all the time and if only the ideal love he talked about existed.

At 1am, I left.  I handed him the letter, we cried with no inhibition, and I walked out of the door.  The final goodbye.