Relief...

Oh god. Today has been a bit horrible and it's only 11am.  We exchanged an email relating to expenses for the business last night which resulted in him responding at midnight saying he was sorry, he would do what he could to make it easier for me.  He signed it off ‘I love you’ and then put the pet name my children used to call him.  I felt sick.  I can only presume he was drunk as to be fair, he has had some element of control more recently and held back on the emotional manipulation.  Suffice to say, I didn’t get the most amount of sleep last night.

Then to add insult to injury, I stayed out of the office this morning as I knew he had an internal meeting with someone on my team.  I went to see my lovely therapy lady instead!  And thank goodness I did.  As I arrived at work, I saw him.  I walked right past him sat outside a coffee shop we used to go to a lot.  It was awful.  We very briefly made eye contact and I kept walking.  It took all the strength I had not to look again.  I had no inclination to stop but part of me wanted to look him in the eye and see what I might see.  I want to know if he is laughing, hurting, smug, calm, angry and and and…. Who knows?

Fortunately I had seen my lovely lady this morning and we did lots of work on what it is about me that wants to try and help people, keep the peace and never feel like I am stupid or wrong.  The part of me that is a pacifier is ultimately causing me to be walked over time and time again.  We worked on me feeling whole and complete.  As I walked away from him I felt strength and belief in me.  Real belief.  I am creating my world for me and as much as he may tell me I should be ‘nice’ I know, I am. 

On the way back from my meeting I saw him again from afar.  Sat in the same place, smoking a cigarette.  I detest his smoking.  It is awful.  He promised in his mission to get me back he would stop.  Just another example of a bullshit promise.  More words of something he would do and never managed it.  In that moment, I felt relief.  It was confirmation once again that his promises are always empty and I am grateful I have nothing to do with it anymore. 

Today I am smiling more than I was yesterday :)

Count Down To Freedom

It’s a funny week this week.  I received an email saying the contract had been signed for some work he had been working on for a long time.  It needed by signature to make it happen as the company is still, for the moment, in my name.  He said ‘I couldn’t have done this without you’.

The irony is enormous.  I am not sure he could do anything without his feed regardless of where it comes from.  The need to be looked after, appreciated and reminded of his brilliance is the feed to his ego that drives his fulfilment in the feeling of ‘self’.  I did indeed keep feeding it and I hope on some very small level that truly he feels grateful.  I have sacrificed an enormous amount of me to help him get where he is.  

And today I have woken up feeling melancholy.  5 emails of documents I need for the business.  Nothing else, just his name 5 times in a row in my inbox.  I am stronger each day and know that when I finally sign over the business I can be completely free.  I am counting the days but don't even know how many to count.  I wish I knew when it would be out of my hands so I could mentally down to freedom.