The Airport

I landed at the airport and every flight I have taken since we split up, he has been there, waiting for me.  I have always asked him not to come but have inadvertently given away too much information for him to work out my flight times.    

I walked out through the airport genuinely nervous.  I have to make an admission.  I almost wanted him to be there.  If this blog is to help anyone going thorugh the same thing, I have to be honest and completely open.  I wanted him to be there so the pattern wasn’t broken.  He has been there, surprising me when I didn’t want him to and now, today, he wasn't.  To be honest, I feel strange. 

My nerves disappeared immediately and I was then filled with sadness.  No one knew I was home safely at midnight on a flight.  So I responded to a message he had sent earlier in the day thanking him for not being at the airport.

What possessed me to send that message?  I have no idea what the hell I think I am doing?  I am opening a dialougue I don’t want to have.  And why?  Because I feel lonely, because I am worried he will be cross, I am nervous if I don’t communicate at all I will be vilified and if I do, I will probably get that wrong too.  I feel all of those things.  All of them.

I am writing this on the train, as I head back to London, alone at 00.45am.  It’s a lonely place as I know I will go home to an empty bed. 

For the record, because you might just be wondering, he did not reply.  Not yet anyway and it has been half an hour.  This means a night of me worrying if I did the wrong thing, worrying if he is with someone else and worrying what the response will say.  The one I will get in the night or early tomorrow morning. 

I shouldn’t have messaged.  Damn damn damn.

Note to self, read this blog post in future before any ridiculous communication. 

My only excuse is that in the next few days I will be cutting off all contact.  Completely.  It will be like cold turkey.  He really is like a drug.  Even the smallest message. 

I know the first week will be hard but I think and hope I will get relief from he fear disappearing from my life.

The other final point is that I know, I have no chance of love with anyone, every again until I completely cut him off.  We broke up over 3 months ago and the fact I still feel guilt and fear when he pops into my mind is wrong.  I have to get this out of my life.