Understanding Him (just a bit...)

I am nervous and afraid as I am about to write to my ex and cut off all contact.  This is about to be the end.  I can’t take it any more.  The anger, the hurt and the pain.  Still his messages have me feeling confused inside and I weaken when I see him name appear on the screen of my phone. 

He owes me a lot of money.  £5,000 to be precise and I was foolish enough in the throws of love to set up a business for him in my name.  I want to shut the business and get my money back.  Part of me wants to run away and just shut the business, ignore his calls and write off the money.  But I know he’ll keep coming for me.  And then what do I do?

So I have written him a letter.  One that says all the things that need to be said.  I am waiting for an invoice to come into the account and when it arrives, I will keep the money in the account, close the business and give him the letter.  I literally feel sick at the thought of it and what he will do to me.  I know he is going to go mental. 

He will threaten suicide, he may come to my office or my house, he will email, and phone and send messages and all of it will require the most phenomenal amount of strength.  We have been apart for over 3 months and I have not been strong enough to do this yet though I knew this moment would come.

I have read three books which have been a massive help:

-          Meaning from Madness, Richard Skeritt

-          Narcissitic Lovers, Cynthia Zyan & Kevin Dibble

-          Power and Control, Sandra Horley

Those three books have helped me get to the point where I understand on some level what it must be like to live in his head.  It’s a desperately sad place although even he doesn’t realise it.  Every time it gets too much he is creating a new reality which protects him from facing the real truth.  The real truth is not even a concept in his own mind and that thought pattern would never function.  By reinventing himself, shifting blame and projecting his sadness onto me, he can maintain control and keep himself out of the dark zone.  The expression ‘dark zone’ is not one used in any book, but by reading them I can only imagine that in his unconscious mind there is exactly that, a dark zone and as long as his conscious mind keeps working to move him through each experience he never has to go there. 

On the odd occasion, his conscious mind fails him and then he’s in it.  Deep in the dark zone, hard and fast and out of control.  Those times are terrifying for him and he has to work super hard to get out.  The return to the safe zone requires a lot of reinventing and a whole new reality to create.  It must be exhausting.