I have had a great weekend with some awesome friends. I have booked a weekend away in a couple of weeks and spent the weekend with wonderful, real, true people who know me. Well.
I talked about how I have been feeling and I shared my fears. I smiled, I laughed and I felt a bit of me coming back today. I am almost at 4 months since we split and it is amazing that in just one week of no contact I have shifted myself forward far further than I had imagined I might. On reflection, having any contact, however small, really was still killing me inside.
Today I had 2 hours in the car with plenty of time to think, and think I did. I wonder if he is sad, I wonder if he has gone crawling back to his cow of an ex-wife. I wonder if she is there laughing at me and rubbing her hands with glee that she got her dream. To fuck up my life and get him back. I then go on to wonder whether the man I met over 10 years ago was the good real person and whether being with her for 10 years is what really screwed him. I am not sure I have ever come across a more manipulative woman in all my life. She is probably more for a narc than he is, but we will never know who came first. And either way, they have behaved in such an extreme controlling manner to one another for so many years I don't suppose either of them have an idea what normal is any more. It is the most bizarre weird set up of anger, shouting, threats and nastiness that I have ever come across. I feel desperately sad for their poor son who will grow up in the shadow of two parents who behave in that way.
I never want them to ever be back together. It is a personal feeling that means I feel like a total idiot and a nobody if that happens. Was I just the filler when his marriage got boring? Then I think, they are better off together. They both have serious personality disorders. Then I think of their son and I will them both to be healed and whole, for his sake.
Then I remember, I am dealing with a narcissist here. So regardless of what I feel, want to feel, wish he felt, hoped he feels now, it is all a waste of my time. My ability, as a normal functioning person to put onto him a belief of what I want him to feel, is never going to happen. He is different and I have to keep reminding myself. He is unwell.
So a two hour car journey or thoughts, and wants, wasted. This journey I suppose will have ups and downs. Today is just a bit of a down day. Off to bed to pray that day 8 of no contact brings peace to my heart.
I talked about how I have been feeling and I shared my fears. I smiled, I laughed and I felt a bit of me coming back today. I am almost at 4 months since we split and it is amazing that in just one week of no contact I have shifted myself forward far further than I had imagined I might. On reflection, having any contact, however small, really was still killing me inside.
Today I had 2 hours in the car with plenty of time to think, and think I did. I wonder if he is sad, I wonder if he has gone crawling back to his cow of an ex-wife. I wonder if she is there laughing at me and rubbing her hands with glee that she got her dream. To fuck up my life and get him back. I then go on to wonder whether the man I met over 10 years ago was the good real person and whether being with her for 10 years is what really screwed him. I am not sure I have ever come across a more manipulative woman in all my life. She is probably more for a narc than he is, but we will never know who came first. And either way, they have behaved in such an extreme controlling manner to one another for so many years I don't suppose either of them have an idea what normal is any more. It is the most bizarre weird set up of anger, shouting, threats and nastiness that I have ever come across. I feel desperately sad for their poor son who will grow up in the shadow of two parents who behave in that way.
I never want them to ever be back together. It is a personal feeling that means I feel like a total idiot and a nobody if that happens. Was I just the filler when his marriage got boring? Then I think, they are better off together. They both have serious personality disorders. Then I think of their son and I will them both to be healed and whole, for his sake.
Then I remember, I am dealing with a narcissist here. So regardless of what I feel, want to feel, wish he felt, hoped he feels now, it is all a waste of my time. My ability, as a normal functioning person to put onto him a belief of what I want him to feel, is never going to happen. He is different and I have to keep reminding myself. He is unwell.
So a two hour car journey or thoughts, and wants, wasted. This journey I suppose will have ups and downs. Today is just a bit of a down day. Off to bed to pray that day 8 of no contact brings peace to my heart.
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