No Contact - Day 7

I have had a great weekend with some awesome friends.  I have booked a weekend away in a couple of weeks and spent the weekend with wonderful, real, true people who know me.  Well.  


I talked about how I have been feeling and I shared my fears.  I smiled, I laughed and I felt a bit of me coming back today.  I am almost at 4 months since we split and it is amazing that in just one week of no contact I have shifted myself forward far further than I had imagined I might.  On reflection, having any contact, however small, really was still killing me inside.  


Today I had 2 hours in the car with plenty of time to think, and think I did.  I wonder if he is sad, I wonder if he has gone crawling back to his cow of an ex-wife.  I wonder if she is there laughing at me and rubbing her hands with glee that she got her dream.  To fuck up my life and get him back.  I then go on to wonder whether the man I met over 10 years ago was the good real person and whether being with her for 10 years is what really screwed him.  I am not sure I have ever come across a more manipulative woman in all my life.  She is probably more for a narc than he is, but we will never know who came first.  And either way, they have behaved in such an extreme controlling manner to one another for so many years I don't suppose either of them have an idea what normal is any more.  It is the most bizarre weird set up of anger, shouting, threats and nastiness that I have ever come across.  I feel desperately sad for their poor son who will grow up in the shadow of two parents who behave in that way.  

I never want them to ever be back together.  It is a personal feeling that means I feel like a total idiot and a nobody if that happens.  Was I just the filler when his marriage got boring?  Then I think, they are better off together.  They both have serious personality disorders.  Then I think of their son and I will them both to be healed and whole, for his sake.  


Then I remember, I am dealing with a narcissist here.  So regardless of what I feel, want to feel, wish he felt, hoped he feels now, it is all a waste of my time.  My ability, as a normal functioning person to put onto him a belief of what I want him to feel, is never going to happen.  He is different and I have to keep reminding myself.  He is unwell.  


So a two hour car journey or thoughts, and wants, wasted.  This journey I suppose will have ups and downs.  Today is just a bit of a down day.  Off to bed to pray that day 8 of no contact brings peace to my heart. 

Sociopath. Another Label?

   I mentioned in an earlier post that the word narcissist was just a label.  Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is another.  Sociopath is a big word and one at times we associate with someone committing a crazy crime.  But no, this too may be the label you identify with when you think of your partner.  When I read these 10 indicators, I can identify with almost all of them when I think of my ex.  

1. Listen to the way your partner speaks. Most sociopaths put themselves on pedestals. Their grandiose sense of self makes them feel entitled to certain things. They see these things as "their right."
2. Pay attention to the way the person treats you. A sociopath is manipulative, domineering, controlling, and takes pleasure in humiliating his victim(s). Sociopaths have self-serving behaviours.
3. Count the lies. Sociopaths are notorious liars. It's almost impossible for a sociopath to tell the truth.
4. Observe the way the person expresses his or her emotions. A sociopath has an incapacity for love. Promiscuity, addictions, verbal outbursts and physical punishments are the types of ways a sociopath stimulates himself.
5. Wait until he or she says or does something wrong. The sociopath shows no remorse, shame or guilt. Although a sociopath may be outraged by insignifican matters, he or she will remain unmoved by serious matters.
6. Count his or her friends. A sociopath has trouble making and keeping friends. He will make up an excuse for this, too.
7. Listen to other people. Sociopaths do not become sociopaths overnight. They have a history. Sometimes these histories include aberrant behaviors, including: stealing, lying, promiscuity, and cruelty to people.
8. Observe the way he blames others. The sociopath does not take responsibility for his actions. Instead, he blames others, even for acts he obviously committed.
9. Listen to his plans for the future. The sociopath makes unrealistic plans for the future. He does not fulfill his promises and exploits those that try to help him achieve his goals.
10. Take a step back. It may be hard to recognise a sociopath, especially when you're in a relationship with this person. A sociopath can become very abusive. Unfortunately, the abuse will not stop. The sociopath "gets by" by promising, lying, and manipulating. This will create a sense of hoplessness in the victim, thus producing an addictive cycle for abuser and abused.

Response to the Email

Today I responded to the email.  I was calm and fair.  I have agreed I am not going to screw him over on the business.  The plan is to transfer it to someone else.  Probably his Dad.  As long as I protect myself along the way, I am ok with this plan.  I want to make sure I protect myself from the company liabilities and from him being angry with me if I do it wrong.  


He accused me of bring aggressive in his email which I denied in my email back.  I put a couple of sentences in to say that we had agreed not to speak, I had no intention of being aggressive and we both knew each others pain, and now, it is time to move on. 


He responded almost immediately stating he felt that my stepfather suggesting I call the police was being aggressive.  I think perhaps the calls that made me want to call the police in the first place were in fact the aggressive part of this whole mess.  


So this evening, Mitch the policeman came to the flat.  Apparently the police are not allowed to take a call reporting a potential criminal activity and not follow it up.  Which I suppose is a good thing.  So Mitch the policeman arrived and sat at my kitchen table to take a statement.  Summarising what had happened wasn't easy but I felt like I was wasting police time.  I apologised, a lot.  Mitch was very calm and said I had not wasted police time and asked if I could play him the two threatening voicemails.  I played them to him and he was surprised I had decided not to press charges.  Based on what he had heard the threats were a criminal offence and he could go and arrest him.  I said no.  


There has been no contact for 2 days now that is in any way offensive and I feel safer.  I am in my own home this evening with my children and I think he has realised threatening me is not acceptable.  Thank you to my stepfather for the pep-chat.  


The police have the incident on record now so if anything else happens I can call them and it will be logged.  If he is arrested, based on what he has done already, the policeman tells me he will automatically receive an injunction/non-molestation order.  So I feel confident that if he turns up or threatens me again, the police will support me.  The police have come a long way over the last few years relating to this kind of incident. I am impressed!  Thank you to Mitch the policeman. I will keep the texts/voicemails on my phone, just in case....

The Email

No email last night which is probably a good thing.  I did not stay at home.  I was too afraid to be there in case he turned up.  The call from my step father has had an effect though.  There has not been one phone call or text since they spoke.  Staying away last night was a good idea.  I felt much safer away from my own flat. 

Today at work I received the email.  The first past was about the business and was formal, as I would have expected.  The email went on and was full of sadness and still anger at me.  

'Our dream has ended with such a level of aggression on your part that you have destroyed the memory of a life we once discussed.'

The idea that it is ME who is aggressive is unreal.  I have been going through the toughest time making this break from him and cutting contact which is what we agreed on Monday and it is ME who is aggressive?  This sentence literally left me in shock.  I suppose though that my lack of contact is in his eyes aggression as I am depriving him of the attention he wants from me.

He went on to say how sorry he was it had ended like this.  I too, am incredibly sorry and wish it did not have to be this way.  I want to say to him - I asked for space and you never gave it.  I want to say - this is necessary as you left me with no alternative.  Yet I cannot say any of it.  I will remain silent and rebuild my world.

No Contact - Day 2 (part 2)

It is just after 6pm, I am still at work and I have just received another voicemail which is almost 4 minutes long.  The voicemail is full of blame.

'You don't even have the courage or the balls to pick up the phone or send me a text.'

'If you carry on like this I will promise this will end in tears as you are not allowed to do this to another human being.  You have no right to treat another human being like this.'

'If you don't listen to me, if you fuck me over I promise you that my ex-wife will be the last worry you have in the world.'

'The utter rejection of me is an absolute disgrace and you are a disgrace.'

'You are destroying everything.'

'Another human is living in absolute agony.  If you think I am going to sit on the sideline and let you do that to me, you have got another thing coming.'

'I am proud of who I am.'

'Be a grown up and pick up the phone.  I am begging you.' 

I fell apart.  Again.  The whole message had me in bits.  I phoned my step-father.  He is the calmest man on the planet.  Incredibly kind and full of some seriously good advice.  He told me to phone the police.  I said I had.  After quite a lot of emotion from me, he decided that perhaps the best thing would be for him to phone him up.  So he did. 

My stepfather called me back to tell me how the call went.  He said he spent 20 minutes on the phone to my ex during which he went from angry, to calm and to sad.  In summary he asked him to email me regarding the business as this is still the one thing we need to resolve.  Did I mention in my earlier blogs I was mad enough in the throws of love to set up a business in my name that he conducts his work through?  I want it gone and my stepfather got the point across.  Now I just wait. 

I am off for a drink with a friend.  I need some girl support and a reminder that I am a good person.  Right now I feel like the most terrible woman in the world.

No Contact - Day 2

This is truly painful.  It feels like a drug addict trying to give up a fix.  Last night I hardly slept a wink.  I wanted to drive to his flat, knock on the door and check he was ok.  The idea that he had done something stupid tortured me all night.  I was in bits.  It took every ounce of my strength to refrain from phoning him.  The idea that he might not answer stopped me doing it.  If he had not have answered, then what?  Would I have driven to his flat?  And if he did not answer the door?  Then what?  The sense of panic was too much.  Would I call the police? His mother? His brother?  I ended up putting my phone in another room to stop myself checking it, yet leapt in and out of bed like a yoyo running to check it.  There really was no way I was going to sleep.  I felt sick and ended up wretching over the loo in despair.  

I knew though that if he was crying wolf, and I could get through the night, I would be sending him a message that said you cannot continue like this.  By increasing the level of drama, I always caved.  I always put my arms around him and the fix was only ever short term.  


At 9.38am I got a text.  'Ok.  I am not going away'.  The relief was overwhelming.  He is ok!  I counted so many blessings in that moment.  He then went on to say 'why did you call me on my landline and not leave a message yesterday?'.  Now this is very confusing as I have not called him.  Not once.  He ended the text by saying 'I want to see you this morning, I don't care how busy you are, I am worth more than this'.  I ignored the message.  I had to.  The relief he was alive had given me strength to get through my day. Or so I thought.


At 9.45am I got a voicemail.  It was so aggressive and frightening.  Quotes from the message:
'I have had enough of this, you have broken my soul and you think you can ignore me?'


'You think you can pretend I don't exist?  If that's the way you want to play this then you are going to need some fucking protection.'


'You have destroyed everything.  Your actions have destroyed everything.'

I heard the message and literally felt like I couldn't breathe.  I was at my desk and felt total fear.  I was so incredibly afraid.  What if he did come after me?  What did he mean by need protection?  


I called my sister in a complete state.  It was awful.  We decided the best plan was to call the police.  I decided to phone them for advice.  They were amazing on the phone.  Amazing.  I felt like I was being a bit silly but they said they took all calls like this seriously and it is better to 'nip it in the bud'.  They want to arrange to come and talk to me.  I know it is up to me if I want to take it further with the police and I know I don't.  I would hate to do that to him as I know that this is driven by his own out of control need for a 'fix' from me but either way.  I'm scared.

No Contact – Day 1

So as predicted, he hasn’t taken the news very well.  Yesterday was possibly one of the worst days ever.  There was the day when he was so hysterical in a hotel in London, about 2 weeks after we broke up.  He phoned drunk and demented telling me that was it, he was ending his life.  I had no idea which hotel he was in, knew he was in a bad place and I had no idea what to do.  I was in such a state as he had put down the phone telling me he was going, forever.  I phoned his mother and his brother.  His brother phoned back, and nonchalantly told me, he was fine.  I felt like a total idiot.

So on Monday night, when I gave him back his things, I asked him, specifically to keep calm.  I said ‘please don’t threaten to do anything stupid, and promise me you won’t actually do anything stupid’.  He promised.  He said he understood why I was doing this and said he didn’t blame me.  We agreed it had come to the point where we could not go on having communication. 

So the first day of no communication didn’t go very well.  I awoke to a whats app message which I deleted and then promptly blocked him on whats app.  This was followed by a text, saying he had noted I had blocked him on whats app.  I ignored it and went to work.

At my desk at 9.15am I had a call from a number I did not recognise (his skype numner) that I, foolishly picked up.  It was him.  He begged me to talk to him, begged me to reconsider, told me how wrong I was, said he loved me, told me it would be different.  I got incredibly upset and stood my ground.  I managed to get him off the phone and was distraught that in under 9 hours he had failed to stick to what we agreed.  NO MORE CONTACT. 

I found a way to block his mobile and skype number to my work desk phone so it goes straight to voicemail.  Over the course of the day I had 5 more calls to my mobile and then the last text where he said ‘This is the final goodbye’.  It was sent at 11pm tonight and I was distraught.  Thank goodness for my sisters who calmed me down on the phone.  I had no idea what to do.  The previous text to that had said ‘you can’t do this, I am begging you.  Begging.  Please.  Call my mum and ask her, you can’t do this’.  So I knew he was in a place of despair.  He has rung his parents before when he is like that.  I know he will have been telling his mother how awful I am and I am sure she agreed, that I can’t do this.  But the thing is, however awful it may seem to him, I can do it.  As I can’t cope anymore with any of this.

The a text that made me crumble.  More than anything I wanted to call, wanted to make it better for him and wanted to be the hero.  I knew if I called, I could make it better.  I know that when I give him a hug all his pain goes away but I know too, that it is short lived and the gratification/fix he gets never lasts.   The last text said ‘I am about to break my promise’ and I knew then that he was threatening to kill himself.  He asked me to build a relationship with his parents again and love his son in his absence.  It was heart-breaking.  It's taking every bit of strength not to contact him.  If he does anything I will never forgive myself.  I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.