What a Joke

It has been a while since I wrote.  Last Thursday on my way home from work I had an awesome appointment with a lady I see sometimes when I feel emotionally stuck.  She is alternate, which suits me down to the ground.  Energy work, hypnosis, EFT and emotional reframing work a treat for me and I knew, that the old ‘stuff’ I was hanging on to from him needed to be released. 

I was feeling so proud that I had made the decision to be tough and cut him off and yet there was still this part of me that carried fury and anger towards the situation and his ex-wife.  I knew the only person suffering from the pain was me.  She isn’t is she?  She is probably rubbing her hands at the carnage she has created and laughing with pride at the mess she made.  I knew it was important for me to let that go.  I’m almost there.  I am seeing my lady again on Thursday as there is still a bit of work to do on my side although I feel a million times better. 

He was in touch over the weekend.  I had to sign a contract to move to the next step the closing the business.  Once the contract has been signed, the money will come into the business which he has said he will pay back to me.  He was at home with his family at the weekend and said he was talking to his Dad about getting the business signed over to him.  I hope they did talk about it and I hope it will happen soon.  I want to be able to wash my hands of every single part of this mess.  Then I have completely walked away.

I had another email at the weekend asking me if I was ok.  I did not reply.  At the end of the odd email about the business he asks if I am ok.  I never respond to any of the personal comments, just questions about the business.  He responded by saying ‘what do I have to do for you to be nice?’.  Surely this is taking the piss.  I am helping him, I am handing the business over to his father, I am signing bits of paper to assist him in moving forward financially (which in turn helps him and his ex-wife) and he asks if I can be NICE?  

What a joke. 

Cufflinks Schmufflinks

To be able to sign over the business I need to sign off a contract first to enable him to invoice for the first amount.  He owes me a lot of money, so after lengthy chats with my amazingly helpful step father I have decided to get the contract signed, get the money in and then I can sign over the business

I received an email yesterday chasing me to sign the contract and asking me if I had found his passport.  It seems I still have it somewhere in my home and he wants it back.  The idea that he wants it to go away with his cow of an ex-wife literally makes me want to burn his passport and forget it ever existed.  This irrational hysteria I have over that woman needs to be reined in as it is destructive and horrific.  Both of them, when I think of them, creates a feeling inside of pure pain and torture. 

I emailed back this morning saying I would sign the contract and would drop it through his (ridiculously close) front door.  I wish more than anything he could live far far away.  The idea of running into the woman who hates me most in the world, is awful.  In my email I said, please check in the box of paperwork I handed him when I gave him back his stuff. 

His response said ‘he would like his cufflink box which clearly isn’t in the paperwork’. 

Possibly the most sarcastic line ever.  Closely followed by ‘How are you?’

I will not be responding.  He can sing for his cufflinks.  They will only be delivered when he has given back everything owed to me.  The money, the business signed over and ANY financial liability removed from my life.  I am moving on and want all this negative energy out of my way.

Stronger Better Me

Last night I went out for supper with a friend who I haven’t seen in weeks.  We had a good chat about the ex.  She asked how I was getting on.  I explained what I had done in making the decision to cut off contact and we then got into the conversation about his ex wife.  It was a girl to girl chat about how women behave.  I came away from the chat even more frustrated than ever about how his ex-wife has behaved. 

To me, she is one of those women who give women a bad name.  The high maintenance control and mental attitude is at the very least disappointing and at the most off the chart.  I know based on this blog so far, there is so much to be said for being in a relationship with a narc and we could argue that this is what has ‘made her’ behave in this way.  But I disagree.

I knew my ex over 10 years ago and he was a much calmer version of himself.  I know from a tip off, that his ex-wife was always a controlling nutcase, even in her days at Uni.  So whether she, or he was predisposed to being a narc years and years ago, they have clearly revved each other up to such a degree, that now, they are both, truly messed up. 

I wonder who had the personality disorder first?  Him or her? And I wonder how a relationship with two people who are as controlling as each other can function in a healthy way.  I wonder too how a child can come through this unscathed.  Imagine having two narc parents.  Good god!  The idea of it is terrifying.  I can only hope for him that one cancels out the other and he escapes scott free noticing that the behaviour both his parents displays is completely and utterly mental.

Either way, I will never get my answers.  All I know is I loved him, not her.  He, in my eyes, tried to escape.  He attempted to extract himself from her mad clutches and become a better person.  Could this be the daily journey of a narc, to try and be an even better false self?  I suppose it is.  Yet by never letting her go, and through her manipulation on a daily basis of his world, there was no hope.  Our relationship was doomed from day one.  I wish I had seen it.  I wish I had escaped earlier before I sold my soul to the devil. 

Regrets are pointless and actually the best thing I can think now, is how much I learned.  What I got out of it and how much I have developed as a person.  I have gained a massive amount of knowledge through the experience and it is opened my eyes to this terrible curse women endure on a daily basis.  The curse of falling in love with a narc.  I want to help, I want others to find the strength to get out and rebuild their lives.  I hope this blog helps at least one other woman as for me, every word I write will be worth it.

I have had a lucky escape and I am in a place where I am finding a stronger better me.  

Additional Resource

I came across this blog today.  Really helpful in understanding more on what you will have been dealing with in a relationship with a narcissist.  


http://www.lisaescott.com/

Another Bloody Email

Today has been a curious day.  I was tired.  I didn't sleep well last night and dragged myself into work feeling to be honest, utterly exhausted.  I awoke with a spasm in my neck which meant I could hardly turn my head.... A good start to the week.  I began the day on the phone to a chiropractor who saw me at 10.15am and as I write this, at 10pm I am in a much better place and able to move again.  He clearly worked miracles.  


Today saw me working like a demon.  I have done a ton of work and been in a happy place.  I finished work and decided to meet up with some old girlfriends.  Ones who my ex would be utterly appalled about.  I was actually nervous to go.  One of them I know he hates with a passion and he has his reasons but either way, I was genuinely nervous about it.  But I went, I met the girls and I had fun.  His name was not even mentioned and for that I am grateful.  He is no longer a subject of conversation.  No air has been wasted on saying his name and it gave me an evening of freedom from it all.


Sadly, as I drove home, he spotted me in the car with a couple of my mates in the car.  I have now checked my email and have come home to an accusational email about what I have or have not been doing this evening.  Ultimately, it is none of his business and still he feels the need to dig at me, hurt me and accuse me of living my life in a way which he deems to be appropriate.  I chose my evening carefully.  I treaded carefully and I took the parts of my evening the way I wanted.  And still, I was unlucky enough to be watched, seen, stalked, I don't care which word you want to use, either way, he is too close to my life. 


I don't think I have said so far, he has moved 1 mile from my home.  He has a company set up (in my name for the moment) named after the name of my street.  I have a poetry blog which he decided was a good idea and he set up one which looks virtually identical.  He has copy-catted my life.  There are parts about how I run my life that he does in exactly the same way.  It is spooky, overwhelming and to be honest, rude.  I hate it.  He has never lived in this part of London before and I think he just does it to be near me.  I want him living far far away from here and I want his bitch of an ex wife as far away as possible.  


The pair of them are literally the nastiest pieces of work ever.  To think they are anywhere near my life, a life that took years of hard graft to build, makes me feel sick.  I am looking forward to the day when I wake up and don't care any more.  


I know time is a healer and I will get there. 

No Contact - Day 7

I have had a great weekend with some awesome friends.  I have booked a weekend away in a couple of weeks and spent the weekend with wonderful, real, true people who know me.  Well.  


I talked about how I have been feeling and I shared my fears.  I smiled, I laughed and I felt a bit of me coming back today.  I am almost at 4 months since we split and it is amazing that in just one week of no contact I have shifted myself forward far further than I had imagined I might.  On reflection, having any contact, however small, really was still killing me inside.  


Today I had 2 hours in the car with plenty of time to think, and think I did.  I wonder if he is sad, I wonder if he has gone crawling back to his cow of an ex-wife.  I wonder if she is there laughing at me and rubbing her hands with glee that she got her dream.  To fuck up my life and get him back.  I then go on to wonder whether the man I met over 10 years ago was the good real person and whether being with her for 10 years is what really screwed him.  I am not sure I have ever come across a more manipulative woman in all my life.  She is probably more for a narc than he is, but we will never know who came first.  And either way, they have behaved in such an extreme controlling manner to one another for so many years I don't suppose either of them have an idea what normal is any more.  It is the most bizarre weird set up of anger, shouting, threats and nastiness that I have ever come across.  I feel desperately sad for their poor son who will grow up in the shadow of two parents who behave in that way.  

I never want them to ever be back together.  It is a personal feeling that means I feel like a total idiot and a nobody if that happens.  Was I just the filler when his marriage got boring?  Then I think, they are better off together.  They both have serious personality disorders.  Then I think of their son and I will them both to be healed and whole, for his sake.  


Then I remember, I am dealing with a narcissist here.  So regardless of what I feel, want to feel, wish he felt, hoped he feels now, it is all a waste of my time.  My ability, as a normal functioning person to put onto him a belief of what I want him to feel, is never going to happen.  He is different and I have to keep reminding myself.  He is unwell.  


So a two hour car journey or thoughts, and wants, wasted.  This journey I suppose will have ups and downs.  Today is just a bit of a down day.  Off to bed to pray that day 8 of no contact brings peace to my heart. 

Sociopath. Another Label?

   I mentioned in an earlier post that the word narcissist was just a label.  Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is another.  Sociopath is a big word and one at times we associate with someone committing a crazy crime.  But no, this too may be the label you identify with when you think of your partner.  When I read these 10 indicators, I can identify with almost all of them when I think of my ex.  

1. Listen to the way your partner speaks. Most sociopaths put themselves on pedestals. Their grandiose sense of self makes them feel entitled to certain things. They see these things as "their right."
2. Pay attention to the way the person treats you. A sociopath is manipulative, domineering, controlling, and takes pleasure in humiliating his victim(s). Sociopaths have self-serving behaviours.
3. Count the lies. Sociopaths are notorious liars. It's almost impossible for a sociopath to tell the truth.
4. Observe the way the person expresses his or her emotions. A sociopath has an incapacity for love. Promiscuity, addictions, verbal outbursts and physical punishments are the types of ways a sociopath stimulates himself.
5. Wait until he or she says or does something wrong. The sociopath shows no remorse, shame or guilt. Although a sociopath may be outraged by insignifican matters, he or she will remain unmoved by serious matters.
6. Count his or her friends. A sociopath has trouble making and keeping friends. He will make up an excuse for this, too.
7. Listen to other people. Sociopaths do not become sociopaths overnight. They have a history. Sometimes these histories include aberrant behaviors, including: stealing, lying, promiscuity, and cruelty to people.
8. Observe the way he blames others. The sociopath does not take responsibility for his actions. Instead, he blames others, even for acts he obviously committed.
9. Listen to his plans for the future. The sociopath makes unrealistic plans for the future. He does not fulfill his promises and exploits those that try to help him achieve his goals.
10. Take a step back. It may be hard to recognise a sociopath, especially when you're in a relationship with this person. A sociopath can become very abusive. Unfortunately, the abuse will not stop. The sociopath "gets by" by promising, lying, and manipulating. This will create a sense of hoplessness in the victim, thus producing an addictive cycle for abuser and abused.