Relief...

Oh god. Today has been a bit horrible and it's only 11am.  We exchanged an email relating to expenses for the business last night which resulted in him responding at midnight saying he was sorry, he would do what he could to make it easier for me.  He signed it off ‘I love you’ and then put the pet name my children used to call him.  I felt sick.  I can only presume he was drunk as to be fair, he has had some element of control more recently and held back on the emotional manipulation.  Suffice to say, I didn’t get the most amount of sleep last night.

Then to add insult to injury, I stayed out of the office this morning as I knew he had an internal meeting with someone on my team.  I went to see my lovely therapy lady instead!  And thank goodness I did.  As I arrived at work, I saw him.  I walked right past him sat outside a coffee shop we used to go to a lot.  It was awful.  We very briefly made eye contact and I kept walking.  It took all the strength I had not to look again.  I had no inclination to stop but part of me wanted to look him in the eye and see what I might see.  I want to know if he is laughing, hurting, smug, calm, angry and and and…. Who knows?

Fortunately I had seen my lovely lady this morning and we did lots of work on what it is about me that wants to try and help people, keep the peace and never feel like I am stupid or wrong.  The part of me that is a pacifier is ultimately causing me to be walked over time and time again.  We worked on me feeling whole and complete.  As I walked away from him I felt strength and belief in me.  Real belief.  I am creating my world for me and as much as he may tell me I should be ‘nice’ I know, I am. 

On the way back from my meeting I saw him again from afar.  Sat in the same place, smoking a cigarette.  I detest his smoking.  It is awful.  He promised in his mission to get me back he would stop.  Just another example of a bullshit promise.  More words of something he would do and never managed it.  In that moment, I felt relief.  It was confirmation once again that his promises are always empty and I am grateful I have nothing to do with it anymore. 

Today I am smiling more than I was yesterday :)

Count Down To Freedom

It’s a funny week this week.  I received an email saying the contract had been signed for some work he had been working on for a long time.  It needed by signature to make it happen as the company is still, for the moment, in my name.  He said ‘I couldn’t have done this without you’.

The irony is enormous.  I am not sure he could do anything without his feed regardless of where it comes from.  The need to be looked after, appreciated and reminded of his brilliance is the feed to his ego that drives his fulfilment in the feeling of ‘self’.  I did indeed keep feeding it and I hope on some very small level that truly he feels grateful.  I have sacrificed an enormous amount of me to help him get where he is.  

And today I have woken up feeling melancholy.  5 emails of documents I need for the business.  Nothing else, just his name 5 times in a row in my inbox.  I am stronger each day and know that when I finally sign over the business I can be completely free.  I am counting the days but don't even know how many to count.  I wish I knew when it would be out of my hands so I could mentally down to freedom.

What a Joke

It has been a while since I wrote.  Last Thursday on my way home from work I had an awesome appointment with a lady I see sometimes when I feel emotionally stuck.  She is alternate, which suits me down to the ground.  Energy work, hypnosis, EFT and emotional reframing work a treat for me and I knew, that the old ‘stuff’ I was hanging on to from him needed to be released. 

I was feeling so proud that I had made the decision to be tough and cut him off and yet there was still this part of me that carried fury and anger towards the situation and his ex-wife.  I knew the only person suffering from the pain was me.  She isn’t is she?  She is probably rubbing her hands at the carnage she has created and laughing with pride at the mess she made.  I knew it was important for me to let that go.  I’m almost there.  I am seeing my lady again on Thursday as there is still a bit of work to do on my side although I feel a million times better. 

He was in touch over the weekend.  I had to sign a contract to move to the next step the closing the business.  Once the contract has been signed, the money will come into the business which he has said he will pay back to me.  He was at home with his family at the weekend and said he was talking to his Dad about getting the business signed over to him.  I hope they did talk about it and I hope it will happen soon.  I want to be able to wash my hands of every single part of this mess.  Then I have completely walked away.

I had another email at the weekend asking me if I was ok.  I did not reply.  At the end of the odd email about the business he asks if I am ok.  I never respond to any of the personal comments, just questions about the business.  He responded by saying ‘what do I have to do for you to be nice?’.  Surely this is taking the piss.  I am helping him, I am handing the business over to his father, I am signing bits of paper to assist him in moving forward financially (which in turn helps him and his ex-wife) and he asks if I can be NICE?  

What a joke. 

Cufflinks Schmufflinks

To be able to sign over the business I need to sign off a contract first to enable him to invoice for the first amount.  He owes me a lot of money, so after lengthy chats with my amazingly helpful step father I have decided to get the contract signed, get the money in and then I can sign over the business

I received an email yesterday chasing me to sign the contract and asking me if I had found his passport.  It seems I still have it somewhere in my home and he wants it back.  The idea that he wants it to go away with his cow of an ex-wife literally makes me want to burn his passport and forget it ever existed.  This irrational hysteria I have over that woman needs to be reined in as it is destructive and horrific.  Both of them, when I think of them, creates a feeling inside of pure pain and torture. 

I emailed back this morning saying I would sign the contract and would drop it through his (ridiculously close) front door.  I wish more than anything he could live far far away.  The idea of running into the woman who hates me most in the world, is awful.  In my email I said, please check in the box of paperwork I handed him when I gave him back his stuff. 

His response said ‘he would like his cufflink box which clearly isn’t in the paperwork’. 

Possibly the most sarcastic line ever.  Closely followed by ‘How are you?’

I will not be responding.  He can sing for his cufflinks.  They will only be delivered when he has given back everything owed to me.  The money, the business signed over and ANY financial liability removed from my life.  I am moving on and want all this negative energy out of my way.

Stronger Better Me

Last night I went out for supper with a friend who I haven’t seen in weeks.  We had a good chat about the ex.  She asked how I was getting on.  I explained what I had done in making the decision to cut off contact and we then got into the conversation about his ex wife.  It was a girl to girl chat about how women behave.  I came away from the chat even more frustrated than ever about how his ex-wife has behaved. 

To me, she is one of those women who give women a bad name.  The high maintenance control and mental attitude is at the very least disappointing and at the most off the chart.  I know based on this blog so far, there is so much to be said for being in a relationship with a narc and we could argue that this is what has ‘made her’ behave in this way.  But I disagree.

I knew my ex over 10 years ago and he was a much calmer version of himself.  I know from a tip off, that his ex-wife was always a controlling nutcase, even in her days at Uni.  So whether she, or he was predisposed to being a narc years and years ago, they have clearly revved each other up to such a degree, that now, they are both, truly messed up. 

I wonder who had the personality disorder first?  Him or her? And I wonder how a relationship with two people who are as controlling as each other can function in a healthy way.  I wonder too how a child can come through this unscathed.  Imagine having two narc parents.  Good god!  The idea of it is terrifying.  I can only hope for him that one cancels out the other and he escapes scott free noticing that the behaviour both his parents displays is completely and utterly mental.

Either way, I will never get my answers.  All I know is I loved him, not her.  He, in my eyes, tried to escape.  He attempted to extract himself from her mad clutches and become a better person.  Could this be the daily journey of a narc, to try and be an even better false self?  I suppose it is.  Yet by never letting her go, and through her manipulation on a daily basis of his world, there was no hope.  Our relationship was doomed from day one.  I wish I had seen it.  I wish I had escaped earlier before I sold my soul to the devil. 

Regrets are pointless and actually the best thing I can think now, is how much I learned.  What I got out of it and how much I have developed as a person.  I have gained a massive amount of knowledge through the experience and it is opened my eyes to this terrible curse women endure on a daily basis.  The curse of falling in love with a narc.  I want to help, I want others to find the strength to get out and rebuild their lives.  I hope this blog helps at least one other woman as for me, every word I write will be worth it.

I have had a lucky escape and I am in a place where I am finding a stronger better me.  

Additional Resource

I came across this blog today.  Really helpful in understanding more on what you will have been dealing with in a relationship with a narcissist.  


http://www.lisaescott.com/

Another Bloody Email

Today has been a curious day.  I was tired.  I didn't sleep well last night and dragged myself into work feeling to be honest, utterly exhausted.  I awoke with a spasm in my neck which meant I could hardly turn my head.... A good start to the week.  I began the day on the phone to a chiropractor who saw me at 10.15am and as I write this, at 10pm I am in a much better place and able to move again.  He clearly worked miracles.  


Today saw me working like a demon.  I have done a ton of work and been in a happy place.  I finished work and decided to meet up with some old girlfriends.  Ones who my ex would be utterly appalled about.  I was actually nervous to go.  One of them I know he hates with a passion and he has his reasons but either way, I was genuinely nervous about it.  But I went, I met the girls and I had fun.  His name was not even mentioned and for that I am grateful.  He is no longer a subject of conversation.  No air has been wasted on saying his name and it gave me an evening of freedom from it all.


Sadly, as I drove home, he spotted me in the car with a couple of my mates in the car.  I have now checked my email and have come home to an accusational email about what I have or have not been doing this evening.  Ultimately, it is none of his business and still he feels the need to dig at me, hurt me and accuse me of living my life in a way which he deems to be appropriate.  I chose my evening carefully.  I treaded carefully and I took the parts of my evening the way I wanted.  And still, I was unlucky enough to be watched, seen, stalked, I don't care which word you want to use, either way, he is too close to my life. 


I don't think I have said so far, he has moved 1 mile from my home.  He has a company set up (in my name for the moment) named after the name of my street.  I have a poetry blog which he decided was a good idea and he set up one which looks virtually identical.  He has copy-catted my life.  There are parts about how I run my life that he does in exactly the same way.  It is spooky, overwhelming and to be honest, rude.  I hate it.  He has never lived in this part of London before and I think he just does it to be near me.  I want him living far far away from here and I want his bitch of an ex wife as far away as possible.  


The pair of them are literally the nastiest pieces of work ever.  To think they are anywhere near my life, a life that took years of hard graft to build, makes me feel sick.  I am looking forward to the day when I wake up and don't care any more.  


I know time is a healer and I will get there.